I.

Birds, Ridiculing Us

1. “Surface dwellers are all like, ‘Shit! My nest is like a 5‑minute flight from here; guess I’ll have to WALK there!”
   [a host of sparrows giggle]
2. “Ooh! Ooh! How many humanz does it take to eat chinaberries at the top of the tree? …. A whole shitload of ‘em, cuz they CAN’T FUCKING FLY!!”
   [a murder of crows guffaw]
3. “Ground-bound humanz are such IDIOTS. You know why the don’t lay eggs? …. Cuz they don’t even have a CLOACA!”
   [a murmuration of starlings crack up and nearly pop a gut]

II.

The Queer Community

“Where the Hell is it? Is it in Abilene? Cuz I’m mad at them people in Abilene right now, homophobic bastitts.”

III.

Thought Number Three

I move that the city of Corpus Christi, Texas, in the spirit of bipartisanship, rename itself “Corpus Callosum.”

IV.

Thought Number Four

“Relax! Enjoy the traffic.”

V.

Mr. Bojangles

“I don’t mean to be insensitive, Mr. Bojangles, but, Jesus! It’s been 20 years: GET A NEW DOG!!”

VI.

Pot-Bellied Pig

If we ever adopt a pot-bellied pig, I want its name to be Jesus Lincoln.

VII.

The Bible, According to My Memory

And the sailor comes up to the Lord Jesus, and he said, he goes, he says... “Lord, shall we have Compassion for The Compassionless?”

And Jesus looks at him & he says, he’s like, he goes, he’s all.. “Fuck, yeah!”

And then he breaks into Piano Man on the company piano in the lobby.

VIII.

Thought Number Eight

The Chinese word for “lobster” is “Dragon Shrimp.”

IX.

Auto-Correct

“God grant me the severity to access the thinks I cannon change, the corsage to chant the thieves that I cab, and the Wisconsin to knots the doggerel.”

X.

Oops!

“Oops! Forgot to reproduce.”

XI.

Thought Number Eleven

This is what I think God is saying to us by giving us finite lifespans: “You don’t have to go home, but you caint stay here.”

XII.

Thought Number Twelve

“It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness,” said the darkness.

XIII.

Aphorism

“When God leaves a window open, he also shuts one neighbor’s door and leaves the other one half-way open, for egress of the feral cats.”

XIV.

Displeased

“Golden Corral” is neither.

XV.

Which

“Which benzodiazepine are you?” I got Chlordiazepoxide! “You are commonly referred to as Librium, Risolid, or Elenium. Your time to peak onset is 1.5-4 hours. Your elimination half-life is 5-30 hours. Your therapeutic use is anxiolytic.” That is sooooo me!

XVI.

Handling Instructions

“Rest when tired, wake when rested, eat when hungry, play when bored, wash when dirty.”

XVII.

Thought Number Seventeen

Very few polite statements have been followed by the words, I’m just sayin’.

XVIII.

Thought Number Eighteen

We want our new house to be unique; instead of granite countertops, we’re going with granted contretemps.

XIXX.

Evolution

Them wot begets the most grandpappies wins.

XX.

Path

What I like most about the path of least resistance is that the yelling is quieter.

XXI.

Double-Thought!

1. Heavy is the head that wears the lead hat.
2. Just realized that Asiago is “Asia” + “go”!

XXII.

Question

Does Everest have Wifi?

XXIII.

Aging

A colleague just came back from a vacation in Germany. I asked if he met Burgermeister Meisterburger. He had no idea what I was talking about. Nor did anyone else. Is this what aging is?

XXIV.

Still

After all these years, I still go to bed French but wake up Italian.

XXV.

Civil-War Face

I think I’ve figured it out. After their Civil War, Mainland China and Taiwan both pretended there was only one country, and that their side was it (but they knew that was just a matter of “face”); on that, they copied us.

XXVI.

Usage

Use of the words, “and what-not” makes me unreasonably happy.

XXVII.

Pastime

Videogaming! Because dopamine is its own reward

XXVIII.

Five

You can fit more than five Lousianas in one Texas. But please don’t.

XXIX.

Story Idea

The Rise and Fall of the Jesic Empire, in which Jesus Bin Joseph, of Nazareth, defeats the incompetent Roman authorities and, as King of the Jews, rules mercilessly over a terrified populace, using his inexplicable magical powers. He is ultimately challenged and defeated by General G. Washington, of the transatlantic BSAE (Britannic States of America and Europe).

XXX.

Spider, Man!

I just realized the only illogical aspect of Spider-Man: lightning-fast reflexes? Spiders are SLOW!

XXXI.

National Health Insurance

Market-based health care makes sense, as long as people can buy and sell their illnesses on the open market.

XXXII.

Nixon

When I was a child, I used to play Nixon. “Aroooo,” I would say, “I’m NIXON!”

XXXIII.

SuperFat™

I want to invent a substance called SuperFat™, which can store 10 x more energy than regular fat. And also, improve the efficiency of our mitochondria, so that we can go for 10 days without eating. Like a car. Fill up once every two weeks or so. But it’s hard to be a mad scientist when you don’t even have a master’s degree.

XXXIV.

Observation

If you look very carefully, you’ll see that feet are just monstrous hands.

XXXV.

Almost

“That’s the cat calling the pebble black!”

XXXVI.

“The Goldbergs”

According to “The Goldbergs” (TV show), 10-year-olds in 1980 used to wear The Dark Crystal tee shirts. I know this to be especially false.

XXXVII.

Question

Is Maaco in some way related to Aamco?

XXXVIII.

That Which

That which doesn’t kill me... is getting better at it every day.

XXXIX.

LED Haiku

Kitchen, 4 a.m.
Every appliance must
Cry out, “Here I am!”

XL.

Forty is XL

Talking about T-shirt size after your thirties.